I confess I have had my heartbroken since I was a child. This heroic image I had of my father was broken. It was shattered and replaced with a deep seated anger. I don’t want to believe it was hatred, that would be too unkind.
This idea that my father was a hero, was quickly dashed against the rocks of manipulation and abuse from the hands of my grandmother. My father sat back and fed me to the woman who made him who he was. A quiet man in a shell. Afraid to stand up to a woman who used money as manipulation, and words as knives to cut your will. Even for his own child.
I confess that I saw you as my savior only to realize that you were the guard leading me to the electric chair. I walked The Green Mile of my innocence with you walking ahead of me.
I confess that I love you and I have forgiven you for all of this. I gave found solace in the fact that you had to deal with her. You grew up with her, she molded you into who you are. You were young and you had no idea what to do.
I confess that now that you are on the brink of having another daughter, that if you don’t keep her safe I will. Physically I know you will guard her with your life. But for those emotions my grandmother attempts to kill in her, I will not let it happen. She will not be left to the slaughter. I will be an emotional martyr if I must, she will not be served the same dysfunction as I was. She will not dine on self hatred, as I have for years. Her worth will not buried in someone else, it will be buried in herself.
I confess that I accept what I have been given. I accept it with pride and bright eyes for the future. My dysfunctional home created a monster for will. A monster whose eyes and hopes shine bright. A monster for the disenfranchised and broken. I am a monster in my fights. I’m like Cookie Monster, I’m a pleasant fun loving monster for education and justice…and cookies.
I confess that my grandmother still in some moments scares the small child in me. But with therapy and time I have become my own person. I have decided that she has not done anything to deserve my time except buy me things. Even as an adult she uses words to cut me down, too bad for her I have turned into an oak tree. Can’t cut me down so easily anymore.
I confess…that I love my life and who I am. There are certain secrets and truths I keep to myself to hopefully share with someone else one day. The ones I know help others I freely dispense in what I hope is knowledge and wisdom.
I confess that I am just another human being on this planet. I have beauty in my soul, while still being capable of terrible things. I am a human, nothing human is alien to me. Homo sum humani nihil, a me alienum puto. I have the capacity to do the greatest things humans can do, and the worst. I am no better than anyone else.
I confess that I am, me. Unequivocally me. Only to become unconditional me. Because for years I thought there were conditions.
I confess, that I love you whoever you are. Even if there is hate in your heart. If you can look nowhere else for love, you have found it here. Never forget that.