Love is a tricky thing. A thing you have yet to capture. It’s a balance of viewing the faults of another as something you can live with and love. It’s a balance of seeing their charm through their downfallings. It’s not easy. You know this, but it’s been hard.
You’ve been with a man who had nothing but faults. Who hit you, called you names, drank like a sailor, and treated you like you were scum. Now it’s hard to accept others faults. You’ve been through so much, you don’t know if you can accept anyone else’s faults. You just learned to accept yours.
You have always wanted love, and you have fought for it fiercely. Without realizing that you couldn’t love anyone while hating yourself.
You accepted every bit of abuse because it was what you were accustomed to, you thought you deserved it.
You’ve done terrible things, my love, it’s true. You have sinned over and over again to no avail of redemption through your own hands. But you my dear are not some criminal and you’re not some delinquent. Everyone makes mistakes and to hold them against yourself forever would do you no justice. You live with every piece of the pain of your choices every day. Making it worse for yourself by berating yourself over and over again will do you no good. How can anyone accept and love you and your faults, when you can’t do it for yourself?
This year you live unapologetically on who you are. You apologize for your faults, but don’t use them to hang yourself. In the acceptance of yourself, you can accept someone else and vice versa.
Are you ready for love? Probably not, there’s so much more to learn. You’re still a little selfish. You’re only 22 going on 23 my love.
At 22 going on 23, you can finally look at yourself in the mirror and smile. You can ask God forgiveness for your mistakes, and forgive yourself. You can understand that it’s pertinent to be patient when having delicate conversations. You, my love, are growing. Love will find you eventually. Until then, live your own life.
You are my first love because, in order to find another love, you have to be my first love.
You are living beautiful, don’t stop now. Keep going. Talk to that guy you never would have before out of fear. You were given fear at birth as a present, you cradled it for years, and now you cast it aside. Be young, be loud, be bold, and be honest.
2018, here we come.